somewhere new

leave the past, behind

Name:
Location: France

looking forwards, waiting now

Monday, July 11, 2005

Chapter 1 Farewell Party

Histories, like ancient ruins, are the fictions of empire. While everything forgotten hangs in dark dreams of the past, ever threatening to return. -- Velvet Goldmine, dir. by Todd Haynes

I can still remember that afternoon, we went clubbing for the last time in London. As usual, after one night dancing and high, we went someone's place for a chill-out. It was Andre's place as I recall now. We sat in the living room, sharing the precious goods, chatting freely.

Kevin had planned to tell them his leaving UK, yet the morning was young, and he really wanted that happy, peaceful moment to last longer, even for just a bit. So he kept silence, following others' topic and giggled.
They were quite accustomed to him behaving like this already. The first time when they met, Kevin was introduced, with a certain kind of caution, as a straight. By causion I do not mean that they were told not to violate him, but that they had to be gentle. They were, in fact, all of them. The tenderness of this group of good friends, queers all, kept Kevin with them for the whole autumn, until the beginning of the winter.

Terry was the centre of the group, even though on the surface it seemed to be Old Lady that held the group together. He entitled himself "Alpha Male", the one who stood up and made the decision when all others were still not knowing where to go. In that afternoon, so trashed, Kevin went to Andre's bedroom to sleep for a while, leaving the others to themselves. Paolo came in to "see" how Kevin was for two or three times, and of course there was something he was after, as everybody knew. The Alpha Male came in at least twice to drag Paulo out, out of good will. Kevin vaguely remember all these, and no bad feelings remains. How could he feel bad? All through these months it had been this group of local people taking care of him, and, talking about Paolo, he behaved such a gentleman when Kevin turned him down for the first time (in fact it was the second time he was courted by Paolo, only that Paolo was always drunk and on drugs, heavily, in club, that he could not remember the real first time) he conforted Kevin that "there's nothing to be ashamed of being a straight." Kevin didn't see that coming--from a gay's mouth. And for that Paolo would be remembered for all time.

After sleeping it was late in the afternoon, only Terry, Andre and Paolo was there. They were still chatting as if there was everything to talk about. Kevin, while entering the room, heard Paolo saying "yes, I am a Peter Pan". He said that as a response to Andre who accused him as childish. How sad, Kevin now thinks, but at that time he just looked at them, smiling sorrowfully, for the rest few hours would be the last remaining time they spent together, and it's quite right, Paolo is a Peter Pan. They all were in fact. Andre, tough inside, half Japanese half Scot, staying in London on his own for 14 or 15 years, one could still see him laughing like an innocent college boy, especiall when he was with Terry. Terry and Paolo, wow, that's a hell lot of stories, both of them. All of them in their fourties, leading a life like teenagers, only much more mature.

Because of them, London was Neverland.

Kevin's announcement of leaving came as a shock to them. Andre asked about his plan, with care, Paolo abviously was reluctant to let him go, only Terry, smiling, subtle and ironic as always, only asked when Kevin plan to come back.
He almost wanted to, as a matter of fact. Yet he couldn't, life for him had come to a point the he knew not where it led.

Paolo left first, boyfriend's call. Kevin waited a little bit, following Terry and Andre's suggestion (they knew Paolo far better then Kevin). By the time came when Kevin had to say goodbye, Andre hugged him, tightly, even kissed his cheek.Terry led him out to the station, northen line, one of the tube stations on it bombed recently. Kevin said goodbye to his most trusted friend in London, then trotted accross the street. When entering the station he looked back, finding Terry was still looking at him, waving.

In J M Barrie's story, John, Michael, and Wendy were taken to Neverland, and then left. Once again Kevin felt the fairy tale not for children.

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