Great Expectations

It has been a while I have no desire for the night, nor my usual habits at night. For more than twenty years I felt the vitality of living with the moon surrounded by stars, yet now I almost lost my interests in them. The most distinct evident: you don't not have my words as frequently as before.

I do have a new form of life, getting up early, no more depending on my personal transportation equipment, no more food from shops, no more unnecessary conversation with acquaintances, no more time-consumming movies. However, something must be missing here.

I desire not to tell tales, and what's more, I don't know what to tell. I read, stories far more fascinating than I could imagine, but still I felt paralyzed. How ironic, at my time with most healthy life style and stimulating plan ahead (Japan! here I come!), I am free from vigor as much as pain.

Even words here are dull. God damn it.

So what's been going on in the past week?

Before all these, I had too much dead of night. It turns out that I was exhausted. I had a long sleep one night, from nightfall to sunrise. Ever since then I couldn't stay in bed after the sun comes up.
At the beginning it was enjoyable, as if you have the whole day to yourself. I started having breakfast, which was very rare in my life. Exercising, even less seen before. I gradually regain my ability to deal with business, phone calls from strangers. Starting doing research, for my work.

One thing I know is missing. Interpersonal communication. But I know, it was I who shut that out. I am fully aware why I did that. Yet, in fact, from another perspective, I did that long ago. For how long? I can't even remember.
I am not sure whether to go to see my friends in Japan, although I know quite well that I'll go anyway. Yet it would be quite annoying, wouldn't it? Maybe they won't notice. Well, who knows?

Without the will or the ability to re-organise my life stories, I give you words above. It's temporary I'm sure. Yet I am afraid now. This kind of cold, still fear I can't remember having before. It's not the sense of not knowing where to go that frightens me, but the stillness and calmness I pose to myself. It's unnatural.

Gotta work tomorrow, so you must excuse me now.