R.E.S.P.E.C.T

My beloved readers, if there is any left.

It has been such a long time since I contributed any words last time in this blog. My absence does have good excuse. That would be my responsibility for those who read. I write out of the desire to share, yet it is never a good idea sharing negative emotions, not to mention that emotions are clich?. For all these time, I was trying not to spreading my hatred and confusion onto this space so that you would be tainted not.
But pain is as strong as the call for piss, "one can't hold it long." Only that you need to find the right place to do that. Is this the right place to do that? I don't know. When violating a public sphere one wonders: will I get the look, the despising look from others?

I just finished a chat with kid, and although she said that was a nice chat in the end, I could only agree that to be an ok chat. How nice a chat could be when the two parties in it were both stirred up by each others frustration and sense of deprivation? Unless she was referring to that fact that we perfectly sharing that damaging feelings.

For long, we've wanted to go abroad. Correct, I wanted to live abroad. But why?

"Out of the blackest part of my soul, across the zebra striping of my mind, surges this desire to be suddenly white. I wish to be acknowledged not as black but as white...Who but a white woman can do this for me? By loving me she proves that I am worthy of white love. I am loved like a white man...I marry white culture, white beauty, white whiteness. When my restless hands caress those white breasts, they grasp white civilisation and dignity and make them mine."

I didn't read her the quote, which would embarrass me pretty much. Yet I embarrass myself everyday of my adult life, so it's only a matter of whether giving others the opportunity to do that or not.

Go ahead, it's only part of me.

No, it's not that I desire the love of a white woman. The word "love" could not be insulted in this way anyway. But it's a pretty nice way to put it.

Why do we want to live abroad? At this point we should not take personal issues into consideration. One have difficulties in life regardless of the location one's in, you simply overcome it or be overwhelmed by it. That's meaningless for analysis. Useful factors for analysis, if from personal perspective, should at least refer to general situation.

We have one assumption: if Taiwanese could choose, they would wish otherwise. Translation, not Taiwanese. It's hard to explain. Never had we felt that depressed before coming back to Taiwan. But what's there in London better than Taipei? The right to piss on the street, or the rights to insult foreigners on the street?

No, it's not that. It's the sense of unfairness.

Why can't I say, as my Portuguese friend did, that my language is the most beautiful one in the world, from which Taiwan was named "Formosa"?
Why do not the people of the rest of the world need to learn my language to survive, to be not punished since their teenage, to be accepted in their own family, the be in favour of their parents?
Why do not they pay triple amount of money just to get a post-graduate degree from universities of my nation?

That might happen, given how humorous and cold-blood history has always been. When China comes into power and the world will have to listen.
That might happen, when fascism becomes visible.
That might happne, with countless heartache and bloodshed.

And I, now living on my parents' blood and breathe, whining while I can be part of the oppressing project that globalising the world into a white English one.

But what do I whine for? Oh, come on, you heard what Radio Head sang.

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special"

Ah, no, I wish I was NORMAL. Don't blame them, they are British.

"What it's like to live in fear. That's how it feels to be a slave."

All quotations are in English, you sort it out.