sudden awakening in a long waiting

Have you ever had that feeling that time is sutured, and memories twisted as if long-lingering dreams suddenly turn up to be your presence?
And the buried, turned-back nightmare somehow presents itself right in your face, yet you, for the first time, have the capacity to look right at it, and not horrified as a little kid?
I just finished watching The Dreamers, a film I watched when I was in UK, describing an imagined private site of the 1968 event in France. The "revolution", the passion, the thrust, and the anarchic atmosphere, none of which were as stirring or disturbing as what was going on in the attic of the twins' room. I looked at the childish, daring, dreamy acts of the youngsters while thinking about the story told about my friend. There were moments my heart felt squeezed, but it's durable now. I had for sometime had the realization that I cannot keep on imagining the scene behind the keyhole, for my life sake. But I also know that to achieve it, the cost would not be small. I came to see what had been left out all through this time of struggle: my spontaneity in responding to stories. I used to be able to go through stories of any kinds, any subjects, without taboos and fears. Now I see that I have taboos, and that kills my bravery of reading certain stories.
Nevertheless, see it from another perspective, bravery in many cases is based on naivety, and I should be glad that I have taken a step from that. If there is going to be bravery again grown in me, it will not be a brain new kind of it. Although I cannon seem to see how it will be at the moment, but that shall be expected, or at least worth of being expected.
I wish to be free again as a bird, so I shall start to practice flying again.