New Step

Last night I went to church again. There was a gathering for three fellowships in the main chapel, and the topic was the mission of passing on the good news of salvation. The testimony was touching, two missionaries talked about their jobs in west China, where living standard was extremely low, and orphans were every where. Hospitals, schools, and public services were in urgent need, yet not too much are expectable, not even Chinese government can help with it. Their job there was beyond religion in fact. They keep the lonely in company, the abandoned in shelter, and the hungry being fed. However, due to the limited resources they have, still lots were left undone. The local people there, mostly Muslims, were even willing to offer land only to let them build orphanage, as if they could.

Listening to their stories, one be ashamed of one's own concern over personal issues, which are mostly contradictory, frustrated desires. After spending time pursuing personal achievement, which is well acclaimed in our society, one felt lonely and empty. The more one have, the more one want. A long a winding road it is.

But what was really shocking to me last night was a special person. Sister Fen Lang introduced me to him. A young-looking man, whose appearance is actually fa?ade. For the first time I was totally overwhelmed when talking to a person. He was, how can I put it, tender, persistent, authoritative all together. And for the first time in church, someone hugged me right after talking and praying with me. Normally in our culture we don't expect this, especially in my church, which is generally considered strict and conventional.

The young-looking man did know how to talk. It was like he knew how you were without actually asking any questions. I really submitted willing to his words. It was as if he knew all the possible conditions one may be in.

The most important, and inspiring thing he told me was that he prayed for dying once, in his early twenties. Having experiencing being at the edge of dying, he told me that whining was disgraceful to life and the Almighty. Wondering about and fooling around are alike.

So why do I not get myself together? It has been long enough picking up pieces of meself without actually doing it.

An experiment

Three and half hours have passed, and I am exhausted totally. After attending the hospital, I took a book which has been on my desk for quite some time to the cafe and tried to read, just to have a taste of the material of my future plan. An experiment to see what will happen to me in the when I launch into the project.
It was so horrible. I believe my English vocabulary is reduced, but not that much. It's another profession, and the style is totally different. And the demanded knowledge background too. I struggled through the pages only the get the slightest ideas of what the book is about. Not harvestry for sure.
The experiment is important in the sense that if time is limited, I should really concern what plan to be carried out and what better to be left alone as soon as possible. Otherwise I might ended up busting myself for nothing real.
So now I have to leave. And wish you all happy with your work and life.

When the time comes

Today I went back to my Church, where I used to participate in years ago, near NTU (National Taiwan University).

It was like a dream, or like being in somewhere between dream and reality. Like remembering something long lost, while you felt nothing has ever been left behind, only your own time outside the Church is sort of passing away. How did I survive all these time not being there? How could I make such a mess out of myself? I don't know. I just felt happy inside when I approached the church.

The first person I met today was pastor Kang. He was just like before, serious and straight forward. He was talking on the phone when I walked into the office where his personal working room is located. He gave me a sign to enter, yet I waited outside his room for him to finish his phone call. He gave me the same sign again, so I walked in.

"How can I be at your service?" He asked. Very typical pastor Kang.
"How about a welcome? since I am the long lost one."

We chatted for no more than 10 minutes. He prayed for/with me. I didn't ask for more time. Only being back is great enough for me.

I met sister Fen Lan as well. She has been like an aunt. Talking to them was really...assuring and security-giving, yet confusing at the same time. How can I be out there alone for all these time? I felt like a silly rat, running up and down and exhausted myself for nothing. Then complain about my own discomfort, all the time. How could I lead such a stupid way of life, when the real place to go is just few blocks away?

I've indulged myself in my own fantacy and imagination for so long, that now I can't seem to know what to do besides pray and giving thanks. I pray for her especially, that's the only thing that I feel important at the moment.

And may all the nightmares be gone for good.